Coping, dealing, grieving.

After finding myself crying on a daily basis I have come to the conclusion that I do not deal with death well. Well Young death to be specific.

I lost a good friend Tyler Wrachowski right after high school. This was the first time where someone I personally knew had died at a young age. At the time he died Tyler and I had drifted apart and only seen each other a couple times a year. Tyler was a really good friend at one of the hardest times in my young life - my parents divorce. He lived so close that if I needed to chat it was a two minute walk. His death was very sad but I don't think the impact fully hit at the time. I don't think his death effected my life all that much.

The second person we knew to die young, was our Friend Tim. Tim was engaged to a very close friend of ours and we really were just getting to know him - but he was the kind of guy that made you feel you were friends for a long time. When it was two months before the wedding he died in a work accident. I think this is when Death fully hit me. I sat by helpless as my good friend dealt with this horrible event, it amazes me how she was so strong in her faith through this. All her hopes and plans for the future gone. Her best friend, the person who knew her the best taken. This is when death truly impacted me and still does. It made me realize the gift of Fred that I have. But it also made me afraid. Afraid to lose him. About a month after Fred and I had a really fun morning, just hanging out we made breakfast and were flirting. I then had to go to Sundre to take pictures for a friend. As I am leaving Calgary I get this thought - something is going to happen to one of us. That we had a fun morning so that the other one would have a great last memory. Not a fun way to live. In fear. But every time I leave town with out Fred I cry - something is going to happen.

Then we had kids and the stakes went up again. I very clearly remember leaving town the First time without Samantha. We went to Banff for our anniversary. I tried not to worry but there was constant thoughts..something will happen....

Death seemed to stay away for a bit, about four years. Then this past December it came back. A very good friend from Highschool lost a battle with Ovarian Cancer. She was 28. As long as I was friends with Steph she had always been in Love with Jerimy. High school sweethearts who married the year after Fred and I. Steph and I had lost contact, in fact I hadn't seen her in at least two years. I caught up with her on facebook and had high hopes of reconnecting. There was four of us who were really close and every time I went to Med Hat I had thoughts of trying to arrange a get together - but the weekends always went so fast and it never happened. When Stephanie died I realized how sad the word "someday" is. I will now never have that opportunity . After her service the three of us remaining went out for coffee and it was great. There of course was a sadness and we very much felt the absence of Steph, but it was so nice to spend time with these ladies and share memories of Steph and grieve together. We have gotten together one time since and went and shot pool. So I am greatfull to have the opportunity to reconnect with these ladies but I can't help but miss Steph when we are together. I think of her Husband daily and all he has lost.

Now Just recently we have lost Fred's aunt. She lost a sudden and brief battle with Brain Cancer. Fred's aunt was a great women. I remember feeling a part of the family when She asked us to babysit her kids before Fred and I were even engaged. She was a loving mother to 3 kids and her and Frank had been married for 22 years. It seems to me that she was close and had a unique relationship with each of her siblings. Wendy and Frank helped Fred to buy his first car by allowing him to buy a car from them for a good price by paying $200 a month with no intrest. We paid it off early and it felt good to have there respect. After us having kids Wendy has always given them Christmas and Birthday presents. The kids have books from her bath ducks and Sammie has a purse she loves that was given to her by Wendy. Whenever we talked she was eager to hear of there recent developments. She was a very involved parent and her and Frank have such a close relationship with there kids. We hope to develop that closeness with our kids. It is just heartbreaking to think of Frank and the kids have lost in Wendy.

To me it just doesn't feel fair. I know I am not owed a explanation but I feel like I want one. Why does God choose to Heal some and not others? Wouldn't a miraculous recovery speak more of a loving God then Death? It shakes me. It makes me doubt. I don't know why a loving all powerful God can't or won't heal. It make me sad and even angry that young people with so much living left to do, people who did good and were a light in this world were taken. It breaks my heart to think of the children and spouces and everything they have lost. I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I try praying and end up crying. I try reading and I cry. I go to church and I cry. We sing songs of how glorious God is and powerfull and how he cares for us so much but yet it doesn't really feel like it. I don't know - I don't know how to deal, cope. I feel like I know I have to take it to God but yet I feel a wall and I just can't. Then it makes me feel guilty cause my faith should be stronger.